Tag Archives: self-esteem

How to Survive the Loss of a Love

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Many years ago I had a curious experience. In my private counseling practice in Phoenix, Arizona. I was talking with a young woman who was anxiously sitting on my couch and who had recently experienced loss of a love relationship when it ended. She appeared inconsolable.

In the midst of her sobbing, we both were drawn to a thin paperback book that seemed to leap out of the bookcase several feet away across the room and landed on the floor face down in front of the coffee table by the couch. It was too far to have simply fallen out of the bookcase.

I thought of the significance for a moment as we each gazed at the book and in turn, looked questioningly at each other.

Although I had no idea what the book was I then said, “If I were you I would take that book home and read it.”

She just stared as I got up from my recliner and walked to the book. Intrigued, I picked it up and turned it over to read the cover and then I turned it around so she could read the title, “How to Survive the Loss of a Love.”

Whatever you think caused this specific book to spring out of the bookshelf and land nearly at her feet just when she needed it the most, suspend your judgment and nurture an open mind. Opportunity can happen when you least expect it. Frequently in unexpected ways when you have the courage to embrace it.

Needless to say, she took the book and left. In anticipation, I waited for her return the following week for our next session.

Redirecting Our Subconscious

In my 46+ years of professional service, I have observed a number of common patterns shared by numerous individuals. Patterns may be common; however, the individuals are anything but common. You might think of it this way. A significant part of you wants to create an effective resistance designed to slow your positive momentum. How is the best way for this to happen? Who knows you with the greatest accuracy and depth? Who knows your greatest fears and triggers? Who knows your inner secrets? Who knows what makes you feel ashamed or insecure? I believe that your subconscious knows all of this and much more.

When I am working in a Life Coaching partnership with an individual with demonstrable progress, I am not surprised that frequently resistance develops. There are a number of reasons that this happens. Depending on several diverse factors beginning in our infancy, we are enculturated. This includes parenting, schooling, societal values and beliefs, training and life experiences.

Our subconscious, which I believe is inherently supportive, evaluates our desires and life goals primarily based on literal interpretations of our thoughts and feelings. It develops a process to carry out what it believes we want without consideration of the accuracy or the long-term effects. For example, if we experience threats to our sense of vulnerability in childhood, we may tell ourselves that we will avoid interpersonal intimacy and vulnerability to avoid the painful hurt. Our subconscious may protect us by creating patterns of inaccessibility, irrational reactions, diminished self-esteem and other distractions. The result of this could be a lack of quality relationships, which then may reinforce lower self-esteem.

Our subconscious specifically creates an approach tailored uniquely to the individual. Over the years, I have found that this approach is incredibly effective and incorporates an intricate series of processes. The more complex the individual, the more complexity in the process.

I believe that a conscientious and quality Life Coach requires a thorough “detective” strategy to uncover the intent and approaches created by an individual’s subconscious. The individual is educated about these discoveries and given meaningful steps to change the patterns, which redirects the subconscious. Since this is not a therapeutic process, the goal is to utilize this information to make the necessary changes of the patterns and to continue the positive momentum without unnecessary focus on the psychological factors.